Fight, for the right

I am not unique.
Nature clearly builds us to spend a life time asking ourselves why......and what....which is pretty bloody annoying.
I have been given cells that do not cope well with rose.
All I need to do is fill them up and we have a total party.
So.....lets get to it.

Mirror mirror on the wall

What counts as a stalker?
Or theft?
I'm sure you stole my steam roller heart.
You certainly like to use my style.
I will never steal anything from you.
I will never love me like you love you.
Who's the fairest of them all?
No prizes darling...that would have to be you.

Lost

Today I have to do something that I don't want to do.
I will blend the horror of those moments with endless cups of coffee, tapping out messages on the keyboard, smoking cigarettes, listening to my favourite song on one endless loop, making people laugh and being made to laugh myself.
But by tonight, when I'm left with just the thoughts in my head, I won't be able to distract myself.
Lost.

P is for....

I'm hanging in there.

Patient.

Pickled.

Perfectly petrified.

Partially... Patently... Potentially... Possibly....P'd off actually...

Just because...

Because I've been awake since 4.30am.
Because I am considering a cigarette at 6.26am.
Because it's too early for red wine.
Because there is always too much to do and not enough time to do it.
Because every moment is a window of time....filled with something I may not want to do.
Because money doesn't grow on trees...and I never seem to have enough of it.
Because I'm not paid for every hour I work...just the ones I'm contracted for.
Because I'm always trying to fill this hole.
Because I can never get enough...of anything.
Because life is for living...and you don't know how long you've got.
Because I want to do everything...and feel it...and taste it...and breath it in til I can breath no more.
Just because...that's the way it is.

Secrets

Because that's the way it is.
And I feel trampled underfoot.
I threw out a whole lot of me.
The world is always, always laughing.
The heart is no longer on the sleeve.
This time........I used Daz.

Dancing or Fighting

My heart just froze.
She's back.
The woman who sends my heart hurtling to my mouth and forces me to swallow my own tongue.
She is self absorbed....and popular.
Attention seeking....and worshipped.
She promises giving....but is only ever taking.
Bleeding dry and wringing out.
She hurt me once.
Stole from me in so many ways.
I shook her off.
Escaped. Hid. Ran away.
But now she's back.
And all I want to do is take her on.
But that would be silly.

Breathing In

I just got on the biggest ride of my life.
Or did I just get off...I'm not sure.
Either way, I'll be needing a seat belt, air bag, crash mat.....sledge hammer.
I spotted something I want.
Something I need.
So I threw everything up in the air.
Time to stand back and see where it all lands.
Please God...let it be at my feet.

Children in Need

Tonight I am the worst mother in the world.
I don't know how that happened, when I was trying so hard to be the best.
Perhaps the problem lies in the number of mothers I was trying to be...and to the number of children that seemed in need.
There's really only one.
And that's you.
I'm sorry.

Secrets

All my tomorrows could hinge on this.
I want...no, I need, all my tomorrows to be filled with you.
I am so frightened of the what if's.
You say it to me when we are together, and yet, I am so afraid that it will be you, who will leave me...and not the other way around.
I will never tell you that.
Anyway....you have to be with someone in the first place to leave them....so technically speaking, it can't really happen.
I still wonder why you wouldn't answer my question. The one that led me to remove myself from you for a little while.
Withdrawing for a moment into one of my vices.
Peace. Protection.
Numb.
I was frightened of making you angry...so I left it.
Today...I remembered that you never answered.
Do you have something to hide.........that will lead to me getting hurt...
I am resisting pulling up the drawbridge.
That's how much, I want you.

12%

All day I said I wouldn't.
But I did.
And then I remembered that if you're going to do it...you can't fire on all four so bollocks........here comes failure.
You can't even see straight.
It's like I said.......I do it when I can't cope with my own feelings.
And I can't.

Anything...everything

Tonight we walked together side by side.
And you told me your plans.
And I felt so close.
And yet I'm always so far.
I really have no idea where you see me.
But you, mean so much to me.

Twelve

You have freckles that make my heart sing.
Your little fingers wrap around my soul.
To hold you is to know heaven.
The sound of your voice is perfection.
I live for you. You give me meaning.
You are all I am about.
You make me laugh with the little things.
You are unique and priceless, and precious.
You will make someone very happy one day....I'm sure.
You...will always be my baby.

Odd socks

Sometimes I do silly things, because my head can't keep up with my heart.
Because my sense of what's real can't take it all in...and disbelieves.
Because what seems to be, is outside of what is usual.
Because I was raised in captivity.
And told what to think.
Brainwashed and terrorised.
Today, I'm trying not to think.....but just to be.
Tonight, I'm dancing.
And hoping.

Enter the Void

I am afraid of unstructured time.
For an hour or so...there was an almost empty window.
Must dos running out.
Panic rising.
This next window, is very, very full.
Phew......

In your eyes

We found some middle ground.
Where I know you keep me safe.
And you know I keep you safe.
Where you do the numbers.
And I do the people.
And somehow we help each other survive.
I know, that you know it's true.

Here

On days like this, you and me just like to hide away.
While the rest of the world does what it's meant to do...we just like to be.

Mommy dearest

Mother...you are everything I never want to be.
For a Mother who means trouble to me.
Wishing you weren't mine...on Mother's Day.
Sadly, these titles are sadly lacking in all good cards shops.

True Colours

When he limped towards me, I looked away.
When he said he felt cheated, my words caught in my throat.
When he told me that I have the most beautiful smile....I had to question everything.
I have been afraid of him for a long time.

Gas Mask

The smell of Lynx drifts down my stairs.
My boy is growin' up.
I don't know why he uses it like fly spray.
If I didn't love him so much...I could choke.
Maybe I will...maybe I won't.

Neglect

It would be hugely helpful...if I could just start believing.
I thought I had.
Turns out old habits die hard.

You

What I wouldn't give for....

Erm...

I had a baby with a man I don't know.
How did that happen?

Home

I feel sick.
It could be the silly amounts of chardonnay.
Or it could be that I'm missing home.
If only I knew where that was.

Moths

I can hear it in his voice,
He's crushed again.
Anyone else would see it coming, but he never does.
I hate it when she takes him for a fool.
Surely, that's not what he is.
Is it?

Unwanted Presents

She gave me anxieties I didn't need to have.
Worries that weren't mine.
I try so hard not to own them.
But it's difficult when they were gift wrapped so beautifully.

Rollercoaster

The first two texts I received this morning had no kisses.
I spent all morning chewing the inside of my own mouth.

Green

Past experience breeds current behaviours.
Experience tells me to watch carefully.
Watching carefully can be defined as paranoia.
I'm trying not to let this get out of hand.
But it's hard.
Because it happened once before...so it could happen again.

Missing

The day you left me, you bought me a can of diet coke.
Like you did every day.
It's still on my desk.
It's two years old.
I started drinking on a school night.

Twitter

My secret is out.
My nerves are in shreds.
How can I tell you that I'm terrified a better me will come along?
How can I tell you that I'm convinced you use your networks to prowel and select?
All because I'm sure, I'm just not good enough.
And that's why it didn't happen.

The problem, is all mine...

I can't tell you that I wonder what she has that I don't.

Shhhh....

I'm all caught up inside my secret.
And my secret is so special.
I want to shout it from the rooftops.
But I know that would be certain suicide.
My secret makes me happy.
My secret keeps me safe.
My secret is you.

Words

I just found something that was probably never meant for me to read.
But now that I have my heart is bleeding.

Sunshine

Today the sun cracked the pavements.
And smiles cracked my lips.
As tears ran down my cheeks.
Finally, I found it.
The thing I've been looking for all this time.
We will have our ups and downs...our wobbles...but we'll get through it.
That's what he said.
And, for once, I'm going to believe it.
Not question it.
Everything has changed.

I think....

You...are my every thought.
You...are my everything.
What if?
It should be easy, but it's not.
And that, is how much you mean.

Anticipation

The idea of being beside you is more than I ever imagined.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can only work...and drink...
What if you turn out to be the thing I've been looking for....

Crowded

And here's a secret....
Some days I don't have room in my head for them all.
I would never say that out loud.

Love is...

I am in love with a man I have never met.
I knew within moments, but it's taken me months to admit it.
I watched from a distance and knew too much.
I flicked switches on emotions and burried my love.
I have questioned my sanity and lost myself in excess.
I am frightened of my feelings, and frightened of him.
And yet I know, that the only thing that will make this world right, is to be with him.

Secrets

I'm hiding.
A place for me, and my thoughts...
I've been hunted.
And I'm haunted.
I want to write the words that I'm thinking to myself, so that I can work out what they mean.
I'm afraid of where I've left my heart, and where I'll leave it still.
I'm lost property.