Lost

Today I have to do something that I don't want to do.
I will blend the horror of those moments with endless cups of coffee, tapping out messages on the keyboard, smoking cigarettes, listening to my favourite song on one endless loop, making people laugh and being made to laugh myself.
But by tonight, when I'm left with just the thoughts in my head, I won't be able to distract myself.
Lost.

P is for....

I'm hanging in there.

Patient.

Pickled.

Perfectly petrified.

Partially... Patently... Potentially... Possibly....P'd off actually...

Just because...

Because I've been awake since 4.30am.
Because I am considering a cigarette at 6.26am.
Because it's too early for red wine.
Because there is always too much to do and not enough time to do it.
Because every moment is a window of time....filled with something I may not want to do.
Because money doesn't grow on trees...and I never seem to have enough of it.
Because I'm not paid for every hour I work...just the ones I'm contracted for.
Because I'm always trying to fill this hole.
Because I can never get enough...of anything.
Because life is for living...and you don't know how long you've got.
Because I want to do everything...and feel it...and taste it...and breath it in til I can breath no more.
Just because...that's the way it is.

Secrets

Because that's the way it is.
And I feel trampled underfoot.
I threw out a whole lot of me.
The world is always, always laughing.
The heart is no longer on the sleeve.
This time........I used Daz.

Dancing or Fighting

My heart just froze.
She's back.
The woman who sends my heart hurtling to my mouth and forces me to swallow my own tongue.
She is self absorbed....and popular.
Attention seeking....and worshipped.
She promises giving....but is only ever taking.
Bleeding dry and wringing out.
She hurt me once.
Stole from me in so many ways.
I shook her off.
Escaped. Hid. Ran away.
But now she's back.
And all I want to do is take her on.
But that would be silly.

Breathing In

I just got on the biggest ride of my life.
Or did I just get off...I'm not sure.
Either way, I'll be needing a seat belt, air bag, crash mat.....sledge hammer.
I spotted something I want.
Something I need.
So I threw everything up in the air.
Time to stand back and see where it all lands.
Please God...let it be at my feet.

Children in Need

Tonight I am the worst mother in the world.
I don't know how that happened, when I was trying so hard to be the best.
Perhaps the problem lies in the number of mothers I was trying to be...and to the number of children that seemed in need.
There's really only one.
And that's you.
I'm sorry.